This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
