I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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