he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
