he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
