Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
