I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
