Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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