we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
