I hate all girls vehemently.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
