I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
my liver is dry heaving
I love you. Go after that dick
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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