Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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