my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
