I bet he comes in French.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
