Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
