Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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