Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
