I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
