Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
