Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My dick has a subreddit
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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