well I can't set my house on fire every night
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I supernannyed him into submission
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
