The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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