I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Ketchup is God's man juice
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
