I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
