I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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