I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Less talking, more tequila
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
