remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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