Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
