I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
someone get that fucking seahorse.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
