new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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