Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
