T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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