She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just pee around me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
