No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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