Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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