we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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