Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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