She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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