I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
