the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
