Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
