I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
