Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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