It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
