I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
