Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
