Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
