I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
