Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
