God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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