im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
