i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
